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A question that I never left an official, full explanation for.  I only intend for users of the Lapis Cafe Hotel to read this, but if you're not one of them, then please do not interfere and do not get yourself involved.  If you are, then you can chat to me on Discord (syi#7973) in an effort to solve anything you see fit, or comment feedback on this blog in the comments.  I will delete any comments that come off as jokey or stupid due to the seriousness that this blog is intended to behold.  I chose to have the blog on a public domain simply because I have no access to the room following the destruction of every single path I have to it from a few months ago, and that I don't really want to set foot in there for a while (if not forever).

The core of the reasons why I left is simply to do with myself, rather than the users of the hotel.  I don't feel like I really fit there...I felt judged and rather insecure as my time on the hotel reached its end, and following a continuous series of short, discomforting conversations that lasted over the timespan of several months, I left the hotel not for my benefit, but everyone's.  When I was on the hotel, what you saw was my raw, angry self that couldn't be unleashed anywhere else.  While I remain kind and mature (when appliable) in just about everywhere else, I couldn't hold that in the hotel due to how many of its users I've disagreed or had literally the dumbest arguments over.  The tension that I was forming was becoming uncontrollable and definitely uncool, which prompted me to take a break...which resulted in a "permanent leaving".

I chose the moment where my mom moved my laptop as the moment where I would seldom return, if ever.  I made a few check-ins but never did so again since...whenever I found some old pastebins.  Anyway, this forced me to rework my strategies online so that my brother didn't see anything that intrigued his interest, and one of the things I had to do was leave the chatzys.  However, as I began to feel safe using the room I share with Helena and Pab, I couldn't feel secure moving back into the other one.  Every time I considered it, I thought about how ruthless or immature I was every time I was there.  Again, part of those reasons was that I felt judged.  For what I was judged for I will not disclose onto a public space, but if you are in the chat room then you probably know what I mean.

When I said I didn't fit in, I meant more like...I don't follow the same trains everyone else does for the most part.  I don't read comics, watch television, listen to anyone's favorite bands (besides like, one) or even play the same games in some ways.  For those reasons, I felt like I wasn't really part of the group, and if a conversation that I could not follow whatsoever was occuring, I would often ignore it and not talk in the room or (fairly unintentionally) change the subject abruptly.  It really depended on what I was doing at the time.  As tension between users grew, I felt more tension towards Helena and began to feel angry at everyone because of random, yet weirdly specific reasons.  If I cracked, I'd burn too many bridges for my own good, so I had no choice but to hide out.

Whenever the atmosphere wasn't about media, it was either a mushy atmosphere I left alone out of either discomfort or "I don't really want to interrupt", a political atmosphere where I kept feeling like I wanted to speak my mind but felt hopeless, or a really negative atmosphere that really never helped my mood.  While sometimes I'd go out and try to help people when they're down, they'd...hardly listen to me or hardly feel any better, and it's just at a point where I can't do much to help.  I'd love for everyone in the chat room to be able to be happy, but that's hard on 'em all for everything they go through, and I just had to accept at one point that I couldn't be anyone's therapist.  I gave up and began to release myself a lot less too, resulting in me hiding all this deep, vibrating anger and misery, which in turn activated my more violent personality.

The more time I spent in Helena, Pabs and I's chat, the more comfortable I felt there too, and I began to not see the need in going back to the Hotel when I thought I was getting the best experience there.  Those two mean a lot to me and I was happy enough to be around them.  As such, my interests shifted and I ended up getting into what they were into a little more while also feeling more like myself there.  I still tended to be angry and had quite a few ridiculously ugly moments, but I was better off then than I was at the time I was still in the hotel.  It got so good that I decided to officially give up my role in the hotel and I promoted RTA (and later Scratch) to watch over the Chatzy properly.  Hopefully they've been doing their jobs right.

...

But I realized a mistake.

It wasn't entirely a good idea that I left.  For one, leaving the Chatzy meant I cut off my only sure ways of communicating with Sroo, Scratch, and Cry, and also lost more chances of communicating with Andrew and Drack and whoever else.  Because Helena and Pab still visit that chat iirc, I also lost a bit of opportunities to talk with them as well.  This certainly left a more lonely impression on myself because I never made a strong enough attempt to keep my relationships with the former three as strong as before.  I think I sort of (silently) fell out with the former two and unless she appeared in chat and I spoke to her willingly, then I wouldn't be able to really talk much with Cry again either.  Kind of a mess, and my loss of a friend in the former two severely affected me because they used to be some of my strongest friends.

Then I left the chat in the dust like a moron?  Like I didn't intend to, I just didn't like...make a solid effort to try again.

Sometimes I have to vent and I only feel like Pab is there for me these days.  Without the hotel, I've been extremely gun-shy about venting overall and could only do it in the small chat, with me refusing to do it anywhere else because I don't like to trouble others.  And sometimes when I vent, people tend to make a bunch of counterpoints (which I understand why) but these usually hurt my feelings in a way and I just don't ever want to vent to those types of people.  In the hotel though, people were generally kind and willing to help me out (unless specific events), so even though the atmosphere had been negative a lot of the time, there were still people willing to lend a hand and pull me through a bunch of this bullcrap.

And now I bottle up 60% of things because it'd be too much if I spilled everything into a small space at one time.

The fact that I made mistakes that damaged my friendships and I want to mend them doesn't mean I want to return to the hotel.  It's better if I never have access to it again because I can still be some kind of monster at times, even now.  But I want to say that if you have ever been on the receiving end of my rudeness -- be it once or multiple times -- then I'm really sorry.

I know I repeated a lot of points during this but today hasn't really been great and I was kind of desparate to get this off my chest before it lingered for much longer.  I hope that you all remain safe and live happy lives, even if I'm not there anymore to push those words every day.

- Athena

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